My dearest redditors, prepare yourselves for a product that will change your life. Hair removal cream.

That’s for girls you say. It’ll burn your genitals you say. Absolute nonsense my good man. Get ready to upgrade your penis into a supersonic jet and deliver your payload with unprecedented efficiency.

We begin with a generous serving of Nair super sensitive (other brands are available) to the underside of the penis and right around to the anus, battering up the bad boys along the way. Training time for you now, strike your best horse stance for 15 minutes with dangling pink creamy balls. Time is up, into the shower with you to wash away the residue in a ritual of masculinity – taking a shower.

Once the smoke and carnage of your watery transformation has subsided, you will be left with the aerodynamic athlete’s testicles you have always dreamed of. Like a fighter jet, you can now go Mach 2 right into some consenting (it’s 2017 people) pussy, breaking the world record for lovemaking.

The word is out, you’re now the number one expert on sexual exploits in the galaxy. Your father is in a TV interview on evening news, he’s never been more proud of his son. You’re awarded the highest honour in your country for exemplary service in the art of lovemaking. Statues are built to you and your new weapon of mass seduction. Alien races visit and do not annihilate us due to the superiority of your member.

You’re now the supreme leader of the galaxy, a new golden age has dawned and you are worshipped by your subjects far and wide.

But you are a benevolent leader, and by your own admission a mere mortal. That means it’s time to take a shit.

As you approach the bathroom you realise something is afoot. While removing your ceremonial robes to reveal a ripped physique and your perfectly groomed genitals you remember you had curry for dinner last night. You’ve awoken the dragon, and tariq’s revenge is brewing in your digestive system to blitzkrieg your asshole. You endure the assault, struggling for breath as UN inspectors arrive on site to determine whether there has been a use of banned chemical weapons.

You emerge from a battle that has lasted a century, but you have safely ejected a mountain of shit to rival Kilimanjaro from your body. Beads of sweat trickle down your brow as your blood runs cold; it’s cleanup time.

You order a dumpster truck of toilet roll and begin your laborious task. But what’s this? You remember that your asshole is no longer held back by the petty shackles of human body hair. With the unshakable determination of a bomb disposal expert, you wipe twice and are met with a revelation. Your asshole is as clean as the day you were born.

You emerge from the bathroom triumphant, meeting the applause of all of your role models and a proposal by the girl of your dreams. You pause, confused and surprised. It is not the fanfare and celebration of your shitting prowess that shocks you, but a familiar face in the crowd. It’s Nair hair removal cream, it’s been watching over you this whole time.

You shed a single, manly tear and smile as Nair disappears into the crowd, safe in the knowledge that it’s mission is complete.

And now the moral of this story, hair removal cream, will change your life.

TL;DR: Become the apex predator of life by using hair removal cream on your undercarriage. Soft balls, no irritation, and you can shit and only have to wipe twice to get clean.

(From u/natmanllp)