Say what you want. Cakes are for children, pies are for grown ups.

If I wanted 4 tons of sugar piled on some dry ass bread. I’d go grab a baguette and pixie sticks and decorate that shit till it was fabulous. The better a cake looks, the less tasty it is. Whereas a pie is always delicious. And don’t even get me started on the majesty that is crust. Crust with that little bit of sauce from the inside of the pie. Oh sweet Jesus.

See you thought you were going to come in here and start giving me shit about why cakes are so much better but what you didn’t realize is you walked into WWII holding a dry sugary dildo of a dessert. Cakes always have been and always will be a dessert for spoiled kids with an addiction to sugar. Thats why they serve it at children’s birthday parties. You know what they serve at adults birthday parties? Alcohol and steak because real adults don’t need their food to be coated with sugar to taste good.

After you are no longer a child, cake is reserved for a wedding because it is as bland as a blank canvas and works really good for art. But see I don’t want food that looks good and tastes like shit. Because food is meant to be eaten. And if your food tastes like crap and looks good I’m still going to say it is a terrible decision for food.

You know which one people all over the US eat at least twice a year? If you guessed pie for Thanksgiving and Christmas than you would be correct. Because those are holidays that celebrate food and togetherness and loving. You know all the good things about life. Cake is instead used for those occasions where people excuse you for acting like a selfish brat. And honestly thats what cake is all about. Its about being a boring overly sugary indulgence for no other reason than the fact that you are still a spoiled 5 year old at heart and can’t even begin to deal with the fact that if you eat that much sugar you will get diabetes.