This may seem far-fetched, unimportant, *idiotic*, even, but I’m totally right about this one people.

I was lying in bed last night, and much like the greats of our time, had an incredible epiphany about Mr Joel’s hit song Uptown Girl.

*Yes*, it may be a more poignant doo-wop / pop-classic intertwining social commentary with quirky rom-com charm, *or* it may be the most candid ‘I’m 100% going to fuck your asshole’ 70s/80s tune to hit the charts.

(Also to clarify, I’m not personally into anal, so there’s no bias here. Just objective research and truths, ya’ll.)

**For clarification, here are the lyrics:**

**”Uptown Girl”**

*Uptown girl* *She’s been living in her* ***uptown world*** *I bet she never had a* ***backstreet*** *guy* *I bet her* ***mama never told her why***

***I’m gonna try for*** *an uptown girl* *She’s been living in her* ***white bread*** *world* *As long as anyone with* ***hot blood can*** *And now she’s looking for a* ***downtown man*** ***That’s what I am***

*And when she knows what She wants from her time* *And when she wakes up* *And* ***makes up her mind***

*She’ll see I’m not so tough* *Just because* *I’m in love with an uptown girl*

*You know I’ve seen her in her uptown world* *She’s getting* ***tired of her high class toys*** *And all her presents from her* ***uptown boys*** *She’s got* ***a choice***

\*Uptown girl *You know I can’t afford to buy her* ***pearls*** \*But maybe someday when **my ship comes** ***in*** *She’ll understand what kind of* ***guy I’ve been*** *And then* ***I’ll win***

*And when she’s* ***walking*** *She’s looking so fine*\*\* *And when she’s talking*\* *She’ll say that she’s mine*\*

*She’ll say I’m not so tough* *Just because* *I’m in love* *With an uptown girl*

*She’s been living in her white bread world* *As long as anyone with hot blood can* *And now she’s looking for a downtown man* *That’s what I am*

*Uptown girl* *She’s my uptown girl* *You know I’m in love* *With an uptown girl* *My uptown girl* *You know I’m in love* *With an uptown girl* *My uptown girl*

**OK!**

* ‘uptown’ is a reference to vanilla / vaginal penetrative sex 100%
* therefore, ‘downtown’ is a reference to anal sex (think about the anatomy of the genitalia, ya’ll)
* \^ this can also be applied to the use of ‘backstreet’, contrasting to ‘front’, illustrating the likeness to back *door*, i.e. anal
* ‘mama never told her why’ — making note of the social taboos surrounding anal sex and the open discussion of sex generally-speaking within society
* ‘white bread’ can also be contrasted to vanilla-style sexual intercourse, alongside contrasted to.. perhaps… *brown* bread… hm (just me)?
* the ‘hot blood can’ could also perhaps illustrate comparisons to an erect penis, something ‘can’ do ‘something’ with ‘hot blood’ to enable it.. i.e. a dick, ya’ll.
* again, ‘downtown man’ illustrates an identification with liking anal, much like his other lines repeating this theme — ‘that’s what I am’, ‘guy I’ve been’
* his aims to appeal to her inquisitiveness, and her boredom with ‘uptown boys’ and ‘high class toys’ (could literally mean sex toys, or the aims for more ‘high-class’ sexual acts, as opposed to ‘dirtier’ ones, like fucking an anus voluntarily).
* ‘my ship comes in’ — literal comparison to his penis entering her asshole, people.
* \^ alongside this, he’s saying that once this *does* happen, only then will she really appreciate the prospect of a ‘downtown’ guy and his proposed activities (i.e. don’t knock it ’till you try it).
* ‘walking she’s looking so fine’ — again, comparison to the post-anal experience and its benefits
* he can’t / won’t buy her ‘pearls’ — not be nasty, but could this not be compared to a sex act involving pearls in the name? I.e., he’s not into the average sexual acts, and would rather try something else (and intimating that perhaps she’d also bored with the current options she’s been offered).
* ‘when she knows what she wants’, ‘makes up her mind’, ‘she’s got a choice’, illustrating her interest in trying new sexual acts, and reiterating the theme of the song — him trying to entice / encourage her to try anal, ya’ll.

Maybe I’m a disgusting person, but listening to this again just reminded me of this theory. To be real, this is all in jest, but I did think it would be remiss of me not to go full Reddit-conspiracy-theorist every once in a while. What are your opinions on this?