Hello, M’ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Thankfully, he isn’t me, but if he stopped using men’s scented body wash and switched to Nice Guys’, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a basement with a manchild your man never smells like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s a Mountain Dew with two tickets to a shitty movie. Look again, the tickets are now Cheetos. Nothing good is possible when your man smells like Nice Guys’ and not a man. I’ve got no friends.

*off-key Old Spice chime*