My dick is about 8 and 3 quarter inches long; seem like every guy’s dream, right?… Well it’s only about as wide as an average hot dog, when hard. It’s like the polar opposite of a chode.

So today as I’m driving to work, for whatever reason I get this song stuck in my head-

“Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie ’em in a knot? Can you tie ’em in a bow?”

I couldn’t get this fuckin’ dong out of my head for 10 minutes. So finally I decided to change the lyrics.

“Alright, not ears… umm… tongue? no… hmm… PENIS!

As I’m singing this new version over and over in my head, I start thinking “well yes my penis hangs low, yes it wobbles to and fro, but… CAN I tie it in a knot? Holy shit I gotta try this!

When I finally get home I rush to the bathroom and quickly start trying to tie my dick in a knot. I figure out a few minutes in that it needs some kind of lubricant. I grab a tub of vaseline and lube up. Sure enough a minute later I got my dick in a knot (imagine knotted bread but a dick) and I’m sitting there all content with myself.

Then I get that feeling, that feeling right before getting a huge raging boner. I franticly start trying to untie my dicknot but the vaseline renders that impossible. I try to wash off the vaseline but as you know “one does not simply ‘wash off’ vaseline.” By this time the whole knot is as hard as… well, a bone. Then I realize something even more terrifying; the tip of my dick is tingling and turning an unnatural purple color.

The only thing I could do was to sit there in ever-increasing pain and wait out this cock-rock.

After 10 minutes I was able to undo the knot and assess the damage. The entire tip of my penis was one big black-and-blue bruise and the entire shaft felt like I had gotten a blowjob from someone with lock jaw.

In short- Don’t tie your penis in a knot.